ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
A lot of talks have been going on about hitting or smacking unruly children to get them to behave; however, with the amount of data out there on the negative psychological effect of hitting children, we can imagine how our parents, guardians, and caregivers are feeling. How do we establish the much-needed authority? How do we not raise spoilt, unruly kids who listen to no one but themselves? How do we spare the rod and not spoil the child?
FIRST, WHY DO WE PUNISH?
Every act of punishment in whatever form it might take — from smacking to time outs or loss of certain privileges, we imagine, is done to EDUCATE the child on certain expectations and principles, to TEACH a lesson, to correct some misbehavior, and to provide GUIDANCE on right from wrong.
All these ultimately are done to provide an inner conscience such that even in the absence of external or adult influence, the child would do the right thing.
DOES IT WORK?
This question, when put to parents or potential parents, results in answers like “Not really, but it works for a while”, “I was raised this way and I turned out well”
But does it really work?
If punishments work, why then do we feel bad after hitting our child, why do we complain of a continuous decline in behavior even after numerous beatings? Why do we not get our desired result?
This is because, in truth, punishment rarely works. It rarely TEACHes the lesson we want it to, which is an inner consciousness of right from wrong.
No learning really takes place: it instead creates a cycle of crime and punishment, with the child inventing new, exceptional ways to avoid getting caught or even, in some instances, calculating the pleasure-pain risk, and deciding to have his fun even if he has to pay for it later
WHY DOES IT NOT WORK?
Because we have succeeded in creating an external control over his action and inaction, an unreliable conscience that can easily be side-tracked when he outgrows punishment or when we are no there, as opposed to the inner signal that should help police his behavior wherever he may be.
WHAT THEN IS THE WAY FORWARD?
Let’s take a look at a scenario:
Child: Mum, look it’s raining outside.
Mother: Yeah I know, don’t go in the rain to play.
Child: Looks outside and sees other kids playing happily, waits for mum to get occupied, and then sneaks outside to join her friends.
Mother: Rushes out after noticing and drags her in ear-first, then gives her a resounding smack (gba) on her back, and we know how the rest of the story goes.
This child clearly defied a direct order and probably deserved to be TAUGHT A LESSON but what we succeeded in doing is creating a temporary distraction, because if such child has a chance to go out again when she is certain her mother is away, what is to say that she would not attempt to go under the rain again?
Let’s take a few minutes to think of other ways the situation could have been handled.
We believe that you have been able to come up with some other fine, stress-free methods, but we will, in Shaa Allah be looking at some other fine alternatives that can equally be used in instances where children act in manners they shouldn’t.
ALTERNATIVES TO PUNISHMENT
1. Strongly express how you feel, without attacking his character.
Yes, when next your child decides to go play in the mud, instead of calling him a dirty boy or stooling him down for hours, you can say “I feel bad that you intentionally soiled your clothes, I would have to spend a couple more hours trying to get the stain off and I already have tons of chores to do.
2. State your expectation.
Imagine coming home after a long day to a messed-up room, courtesy of your child who had her friend over. Instead of acting on your anger, probably shouting at the top of your voice, or outrightly denying her dinner,
Express your feelings: “I’m furious that I met my home in a mess.”
State your expectations: “I expect that you clean up whenever you have guests over, what this room needs now to look tidy is.
3. Offer a choice.
What if you come home after another playdate and meet your home untidy? You offer her a choice.
“It’s either you tidy up the room after you have guests around, or you lose the privilege of having friends over”
4. Point out a way to be helpful.
Imagine preparing dinner in the kitchen, your little kid of about a year screaming to get picked up, or the sink full of dirty plates with your teen busy on his phone, totally oblivious to the world around him. Instead of name-calling, constricting his phone, or worse still, trying to manage all these yourself, you can point out a way for him to help out
“Ahmad, I would really appreciate it if you could help with your sister so I can get dinner done on time, or it would be helpful if you can tidy up the dishes while I’m getting dinner done”
5. Let them experience the consequences
You went to the market with your toddler and he acted really unruly even after lots of caution: trying to get him to help out with things to keep him occupied. The next time you get prepared to leave for the market, the following is likely to occur:
Ahmad: Mommy, where are you going?
Mum: To the market.
Ahmad: I want to go too.
Mum: You can’t today.
Ahmad: Why?
Mum: What happened the last time we went out together.
Ahmad: I’m really sorry, I will be a good boy today.
Mum: You will have other opportunities, but today you can’t come with me.
This way, without lecturing, you have successfully taught little Ahmad that actions have consequences.
6. Problem Solving
Problem-solving is a really beautiful way to help and guide your child without making him feel terrible about himself. It teaches responsibility-taking, helps improve his thinking skills, increases your connection with your child and it helps you both to come to a mutual understanding.
As much as it is wonderful, it requires:
- That you are really calm, not seething with emotions.
That you trust, respect, and are willing to accept your child’s opinion, because at any point if he notices that his opinion does not count…
- That your child is in the mood to talk
How do you solve the problem?
Imagine you have a child that always forgets to say his Solah on time, and even after numerous talks he most time forgets to say them.
Here’s a way to solve problems:
Dad: Assalamu Alaikum Umar, there’s something I would like to discuss with you, is this a good time?
Umar: Yes sir, I hope all is well?
Dad: It’s about you not praying your solah, on time.
Umar: Oh. I honestly always try to, but I end up forgetting and get carried away with other things.
1. Talk about your child’s feelings, he needs to know that you care about how he feels
Dad: I imagine that during the day you tend to be occupied with a number of things and even though you don’t mean to, you end up losing touch of time.
Umar: Yes sir, and I even tell my friends to remind me when its time but they sometimes forget also
2. Talk about your feelings, try to be as brief and straightforward as possible, so you don’t make the whole talk about you.
Dad: I understand this, but I believe you know why this is something very important in the lives of Muslims, It’s one of the pillars of Islam and it is that which would be checked first on the day of judgement, and the prophet said, if it is good, then the whole of the affairs of the Muslim would be good.
3. Invite him to brainstorm with you for a possible solution.
Dad: What if we try to come up with ways to help solve this problem, write it down then see which could work.
Umar: Let me go get a pen and paper.
4. Write down all ideas without trying to evaluate.
Umar:
✓ I could pray my missed salah when I come home
✓ I could set an alarm 5 minutes to the time for Solah.
✓ I should ask my friends to remind me when it’s almost time.
Dad:
✓ You could try setting an alarm 30 minutes to salah, so you know you have to round off things
✓ Try talking to your friends about the importance of praying on time.
✓ I could call you few minutes to salah to remind you
5. Decide which suggestions you like and which you don’t, and take note of which you plan to follow through on.
Dad: Now that we have written them down, let’s try to see which to work with.
Cancels number 1 (with explanation as to why that can’t work), number 6 (on Umar’s request).
Now you have 4 possible ways of getting him to pray on time, mutually agreed on, and more likely to work compared to giving out orders that though might be in his best interest, but he probably doesn’t see it that way.
All these are few ways to help correct your child stress-free with a higher possibility of your desired result.
For some children, only one or two strategies would work, for some, you have to use all, but what’s most important in all of these is that you make lots of Du’ā for those beautiful souls that Allah gave you.
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