Are Mothers To Blame For Badly Raised Children?
When I was preparing to get married, I heard some elderly persons at the mosque discussing marriage; typically, there were lots of arguments, counter-arguments and disagreements until one of them threw a bomb shell they all agreed with.
It was not typical of such elderly men to ever agree on anything, often, if most decided to take one path, at least one of them would decide against it.
He said, “Look at the girl’s mother. If she’s a good woman, then go for it, but if she’s not, no matter how good you think the girl is, run for your life!”
You would expect that girls are often asked to look at their prospective husband’s fathers too, but this rarely happens; in-fact, if they would be asked to look at anyone, it would still be the husband’s mothers.
This has caused us to look into the matter, is the responsibility of raising children solely on the mother? And should the mother take all the blame for a badly raised child?
Islam’s perspective
The narrations and verses that talk about raising children do not describe it as the responsibility of one parent.
From the most popular narrations regarding the necessity of being conscious with raising children are:
Ibn Umar narrated (Bukhari 2554) that the Prophet said, “Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you will be asked about his flock(those put in his care.)
“The man is a guardian for his family and he will be asked about them (is responsible for them), and the wife is a guardian for her husband’s house, and his children, and she will be asked about (is responsible for) them.”
This hadith clearly puts the responsibility on both parents, as both will eventually be asked about the children.
Shaykh Ibn Baz says, “The father will be asked about his children, and so will the mother, with regards to their islamic upbringing, and with regards to teaching them to do the right things, and stopping them from what is wrong.”
It is apparent from these, that the responsibility of raising upright children is not to be shouldered solely by the mother, and it is not right for any man to believe it is only his duty to take care of his family financially while the mother takes care of them morally.
But Do Mothers Deserve More Blame?
Summarized answer: Yes, under normal circumstances.
And this is why: what is correct in Islam is that both moral and financial obligations are on the husband, while only the moral is on the wife.
It is expected that in a family that abides by the teaching of Islam, the father goes out to source for money, while the mother stays back home with the children.
It is therefore natural, and correct, that in such a setting, the one who spends more time with the children, and who has no other major obligation but the children, should be the one to shoulder most of the responsibility — and of course, blame — of raising the children.
It might be a little hard to picture, because nowadays, in most families, when the father goes out, the mother follows suit; or it may even be that the mother goes out before the father in many families, or it may be that the children have been thrown into boarding schools, therefore spending an equal amount of time away from the influence of both parents.
But when we remember that all of the scholars of Sunnah who permit a woman to work will always do so with the condition: “if it would not affect her basic responsibilities at home”, then we would understand better why more of the responsibility should fall on mothers.
The mother is not expected to go face other things while the children are in need of her for their moral and religious wellbeing or other things too.
This is unlike the father who, whether or not the children need him for their moral wellbeing, he is still obliged to go work to bring food to the table.
If we follow the injuctions of Islam, then, we would see that the statement that one should look at a man/woman’s mother to determine how they’re likely to turn out would not be a wrong assertion.
This is because we expect that if the father is good, and the mother isn’t, she would still spend more time with the children and therefore have more influence on them.
And if the father is bad, and the woman is dedicated to her primary responsibility, she would be able to correct most of the bad behaviours the father might want to ingrain in the children.
Women certainly have more power to inculcate good behaviour in children; this is due to the natural bond that comes from birth, to suckling the child, to carrying the child, to spending more time with the child.
You would often see this power come into play when — for example — there is a divorce in the family.
Most women would ingrain hatred of the father easily in the children because of the power they wield; this is the same power that makes them more responsible, and more blameworthy, when things go wrong with children.
And of course, this is not to exempt men from the responsibilities of nurturing children, but to bring to women’s attention the fact that they shouldn’t throw away the power and influence Allah has handed them by demanding a 50–50 input.
Men certainly have a big role to play with regards to nurturing their children, a role most men are not playing; but if men are forgiven because they have some other responsibilities Allah would ask them about, can women also be forgiven?
NB: This article refers to normal circumstances, we understand there may be special cases in many families that do not make the theory here applicable.
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