Can I Be A Strict Parent And Still Be Close To My Child? (Illustration)
Something happened in school today.
Raaidah, a ten year old girl, was scrolling through one of her classmates’ computer and saw pornography videos.
She was so shocked she immediately shut the computer off, not knowing what to make of it or do to it.
For a second, she thought of taking the computer to the locker room where no one would see, and where she could watch the pornography movie without being disturbed, but she dispelled the thoughts, returned the laptop and went home.
But before Raaidah left home in the morning, something else had happened. Her mum complained to her Dad that she didn’t finish her school assignment. Her dad only said, “Raaidah, you need to get more serious with school. You cannot keep skipping assignments” and left for work.
So In the evening, when Raaidah returned from school, still unbalanced from the shock of what she saw, she met her dad seated on the couch in the living room and pressing his phone. Raaidah greeted him and he replied.
Without looking up, he added, “how are you?”. She responded and went straight to her room where she continued to think about what she saw. The next day, she decided to ask for her friend’s computer again, and she watched the full movie in private. Her struggle with pornography began from there.
A few weeks later, another of Raaidah’s classmates, Rayhaan saw the same thing Raaidah had seen. And he did just like her, shutting the computer and not knowing what to do.
Earlier in the day, Rayhaan had been beaten by his father for not finishing the previous day’s assignments. The beating left a painful mark on his arm. He had tried to explain to his father why he couldn’t finish but the father did not listen.
When he returned in the evening, his father was seated in the sitting room, reading a newspaper. Rayhaan peeped from the window and saw his father still looking angry.
Rayahaan decided to use the kitchen door and get to his room without being seen by his father. He went there and started fantasizing about what he saw in school. He couldn’t wait to go back the next day and go to a place where he’d not get caught.
When he got to school, he asked for the computer again. His struggle with pornography began from there.
By now, it is no longer a secret and Raaidah, Rayhaan and the girl who owned the laptop have started watching the pornography videos together.
Two weeks after, another kid from Rayhaan’s class needed to use the computer, so she also borrowed from the girl who owned it.
Layla saw what Raaidah and Rayhaan saw and reacted like they did.
But earlier in the day, Layla had also been scolded by her mother for not finishing her assignments. Her dad had heard and asked her to come to his room.
When she got there, he asked her to sit, and asked her to explain why she couldn’t finish her assignments.
After explaining for a few minutes, she stopped, and her father asked, is there something else? She fell silent, her head dropped and she said no.
He then asked her, “do you think what you have said justifies not finishing your assignments?”
She slowly shakes her head.
“What could you have done differently?” he asked her.
She replied and suggested what she could have done to finish her assignments on time.
Her father paused for a while and looked at her, then suggested some other things she should do next time.
Then he brought out a cane and said, “I will beat you for not finishing this one, and you’ll promise me not to repeat it again.”
Back to school…
When Layla returned home in the evening, she felt bad and avoided the sitting room. She used the kitchen door and went straight to her room. Then her father heard her footsteps and went into the room to meet her.
He knocked on the door and she opened, looking sad and worried, she greeted him. He responded and pulled her into a hug.
Then he entered the room and sat on the bed flipping through Layla’s books scattered on the bed while asking how her day went.
She said “fine” and fumbled through her wardrobe as if she was looking for something.
He pressed further: “what was school like?”
Again, she gave a one-word reply: “fine”
But he didn’t stop asking different questions: “so how many of your classmates finished their assignment? Is today’s assignment as much? Is the teacher nice? So what did he do to those who didn’t finish? Really? So, is he your best teacher? No? Who then? Really? Why is it him?”
He continued to ask questions and after ten minutes, Layla had sat on the bed, speaking about her teachers, about school, how her laptop wasn’t responding fast and she had to borrow …
Suddenly She remembered the girl whose computer she had used. And the pornography. She felt silent. Her father noticed. She covered it and talked about something else.
But the images continued to flash through her mind so she suddenly fell quiet. Her father noticed.
He asked what was wrong, “nothing”, Layla said.
He left the room and asked her to come to his room when she was done with her assignments so they may play Scrabble.
While playing Scrabble, the images kept flashing through her mind, and she was unusually silent. Her father kept asking what was wrong and she kept saying nothing.
After playing for some minutes, she was about to make a move, so her father pushed the whole board away and grabbed her two hands. “Tell me, what’s wrong? Whatever it is, let us work a way out”
“Nothing” she says again.
“Is it the beating?” She shakes her head.
“Is it the assignment?” No.
“Is it… is it…?” No.
“Did something happen in school” Silence.
Tell me, Layla, did something happen?
Silence.
“You see, I know the worst that can happen, whatever it is, let’s work it out”
Slowly, Layla began to tell him what had happened in school.
After telling him, he smiled and said, “is that what you couldn’t say?” Then he started to tell her about the dangers of pornography, how hard it is to overcome its addiction, how it destroys one’s esteem and sexual life, how, how, how…
Then he told her how to relate with the girl with the laptop when she got back to school. “Then tomorrow evening, you’ll tell me how it goes.” Then he gave her a hug and left.
And like that, Layla was saved from a lifetime of addiction to pornography!
This story is used to illustrate how necessary a good connection is in saving kids from things that may destroy their whole lives.
It also illustrates how being a disciplinarian or using physical punishments and being close and connected to your children are not mutually exclusive; they are things that can go together.
While we do not particularly recommend Layla’s father’s method of discipline to be used in all cases, this very practical illustration shows that it is very possible to use punishments, set boundaries, be disciplined, and still be close and connected.
The case of Raaidah also illustrates that not disciplining your kids does not guarantee closeness or connection.
Summarily, the elements of good connection can still be found in a parent-child relationship where the parent is very disciplined.
But for those two to go together, the disciplined parent must look out for some things which ranges from: how he talks when punishing, what he says after punishment, how he relates after punishment and a number of other things.
Some parents might have picked these elements from Layla’s father, but for others, we promise that we will publish an extensive PDF that explains the things to look out for if you’re a “disciplinarian” parent who values good connection to your children.
Ensure you do not miss any of our activities by using this link.
