Even You Would Not Take The Counsellor’s Advice: Why Listening Is The Foundation Of Good Connection

You have a problem with your spouse (No, you don't, but imagine you do) and then you go to a marriage counselor, Mr Amotan.

When you arrive, you greet Mr Amotan and take your seat. You are about to start divulging the problems you have with your spouse but Mr Amotan suddenly cuts you short and says: "Looking at you spouse's face, the solution to your problem is that you should separate. If you do not, you will die from abuse. I'm talking from experience, and if you do not take my advice, you shall see the consequences!"

Of course, it would take a lot of restraint to not hit the counselor! I mean, you don't even know my spouse or my complaints about them, and you're telling me what to do?

That's exactly how it feels when you try to guide a child without being a constant listener to the child. The child sees you like the therapist: an arrogant and presumptuous person who knows nothing about his life trying to dictate how he should live it.

In reality, you may truly have enough experience to know the right steps for your child to take even without having listened to him, but that is not enough!

Our marriage counselor, Mr Amotan, could also have been so experienced that he had looked at the face of the husband and seen scars and looked at the face of the wife and seen knife cuts. Maybe he had concluded, based on years of experience, that such marriage could only get worse, and the only way to fix such marriage was by dismantling it.

Mr Amotan might have had a point, but his advice would not be taken! The couple would be mad at him for being so pompous and judgemental, he would be mad at them for being arrogant and rejecting proffesional 'advice', they would storm out of his office without paying, the marriage would proceed and eventually get worse. Everyone in the story would be a loser!

But imagine Mr Amotan had been patient and humble enough to put aside his proffesional arrogance and years of experience, gently listened to the couple go on and on about their marriage, rant about their issues, and of course, they'd try to beat each other up right in front of him.

Imagine after all the drama, he says: "This matter is delicate. Based on your allegation against your wife that she did so and so, there is no trust in this marriage any longer, and based on your allegation against your husband that he did so and so, there is no love in the marriage. Without trust and love, you would not be able to respect each other, compromise for each other, or please each other. If this goes on, your relationship will affect your kids in so and so manner. I would suggest that you fix the trust and love issues, but apparently from your displays here, things have gotten physical, and it is often hard to recreate love when that happens."

Now, would the couple not consider taking such advice? Would you consider Mr Amotan pompous? Even if you want to disagree, your mind would remind you: "he has been doing this for long, and he says the signs he saw in our marriage show that our children might be affected and things can only worsen."

Did you forget that he was a proffesional with years of experience the first time you stormed out of his office for giving you advice before listening? Of course not!

So what has changed? The fact that you believe he knows you, cares about you, thought about your particular situation and then gave you a verdict. He wasn’t just trying to prove to you that he was a proffesional who understood your marriage better than you!

As a parent, if you do not listen, if you do not show your children you are eager to know about them, about their activities, about their friends, about their interests, it will be hard for them to accept your guidance. And no, they're not being arrogant, they're just being natural!

A good connection is meant to assure children that we are on their side and we know about them so it will be easier for us to guide and influence them. That is why listening is seen as the biggest foundation to a good connection.

A good connection allows us to help children and guide their steps without them thinking we are being too controlling, harsh or denying them freedom. It makes them see us as coaches who know them well and know what is best for them, rather than dictators who want to take away their freedom.

When you develop the habit of listening to your children for long, you will find them naturally coming to you for advice rather than running away from your guidance.

Being a constant listener is the best way to make them believe that we know enough about them to guide them without resistance from them.

And being a constant listener necessitates that we listen attentively to everything they say, comment on it and prod them to say more whether we consider those things important or not. If they talk about a friend, ask for the name, ask how he looks, ask who is taller. Ask how he speaks. Ask what your child likes about the friend. Ask your child to invite him over.

If it ever happens that you need to warn your child off that friend, it would be easier for him to accept.

When aiming to listen more to children, three important things to focus on are:
1. encouraging them to say more.
2. Showing interest by asking them more details and relating to what they say.
3. Listening patiently until they say what they have in mind even if you make a conclusion about what they’re saying midway through their talk.

When you open the door to, and create the time for listening to your children, you will hear a lot of things you never expect. Things that would delight you. Others that would hurt you. Some that would leave you confused. They would look forward to talking to you and eventually tell you everything about their lives without them paying much attention.

This is where many parents fail again! Parents who have been great enough to be good listeners find it difficult to react the right way to the things they hear from their children when they begin to talk.

Trust us, we are not leaving you to do this alone, insha Allah we will be back to talk about reacting to children’s talks the right way.
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