How To Stop Yelling At Your Child
Let’s be realistic, yelling is tiring!
Not only that, it often does not do the job we want it to. Many times, we do not want to yell but we find ourselves repeating the cycle either because we have reached our patience threshold or because it is now a part of us. We feel helpless, rejected and our everyday struggles make us feel cut off from the peaceful life we imagined before becoming parents and that patience we had when our kids were still innocent infants with their melting eye gazes of infancy.
But if yelling doesn’t work, and we end up tired every time, why do we keep doing it?
First, if you are yelling at your kids and you’ve been wondering how to stop it, we want to tell you that you’re not alone.
From our discussions with parents, being around parents a lot of time, and seeing teachers (and caregivers) in action; we can assure you that a lot of them yell — without realizing it — and they don’t even know what to do about it yet.
We yell for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, it is due to being overwhelmed, sometimes distraction caused by our children’s activities that displeases us and other times we feel disgraced by the actions of our children such that we cannot think of any other way but to lash out. And since we do not know of a better way to handle these emotions, we find ourselves yelling over and over again.
So, how do we deal with this?
1. UNDERSTAND YOUR TRIGGERS.
The truth is that you didn’t decide that you would yell at your child every time. Rather, there exist certain emotions, behaviours or circumstances that make you lose your temper.
We all have different triggers and each of us must find our own. Ask yourself, the last time you yelled at your child, was it because:
∅ your child’s behaviour was rude or disrespectful to you or another person?
∅ your child was doing what you didn’t want her to do?
∅ she was asking too many questions?
∅ you were doing something important and being interrupted by your kids displeased you?
∅ you were running late for an event/appointment?
When you’re able to finally identify your triggers and pay attention to how they control you, you’re well on the path to stop yelling.
2. RECOGNISE WHEN YOU’RE LOSING IT.
Before now, you had probably read some ❛How To Stop Yelling❜ tips. However, the last time you got triggered, did you remember the tips at the point of anger?
Almost impossible!
You’re human and even when you’ve recognized a problem, it doesn’t suddenly leave. (If you were yelled at, it takes Allāh’s Tawfīq then a lot of effort not to yell at the kids around you.) But, since you’ve finally decided to stop this, we want to assure you that it is completely possible — bi idhniLlaah — no matter how difficult it may seem.
- Commit to yourself: Tell yourself that you will learn to calm down when you’re losing it. If possible, write short notes to yourself — “I will not yell today”, “I have the situation under control”, “I will speak calmly to my child today” — and put it up in strategic places around the house.
- Stop, even in mid-sentence: Although you are determined to stop yelling, you will, however, find yourself on that path multiple times. If you’ve started talking with a raised voice, stop! Even if you’re really tempted to complete the words. Remember, that you said it louder doesn’t mean they’ll listen.
Remind yourself that it is not an emergency and the young person in front of you is a child, not an enemy that needs to be attacked.
- Breathe deeply and remind yourself that you’re the grown-up in this situation. Your child needs you to be in charge of your emotions so that (s)he can learn how to control his.
- Do whatever good thing that makes you calm: If that is by leaving the scene to perform ablution, reciting a portion from the Qur’ān, splashing water on your face at the kitchen washbasin or reminding yourself of how beautiful a yelling-free home looks like. Do whatever — good thing, it takes.
3. KNOW WHAT’S ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR AND WHAT’S NOT.
You get triggered when your children engage in “meaningless” rivalry amongst themselves; when your 4-year-old jumps around the room when you’re supposed to be studying together; or when your 17-year-old shows a new level of crankiness.
Learning more about behaviours that are age-normal will help you to handle them better. Of course, this does not mean that children will be left to do as they please, rather it helps you to stop taking these behaviours as your child’s intentional attempt to frustrate you.
It will also help you to adjust your expectations.
4. APOLOGIZE WHEN YOU LOSE IT.
When you apologize, you’re not only bringing yourself to account, you’re also telling your child that even though your emotions got the best of you, you still love her and care about her. And, since you want to raise kids who will be empathetic of others, you’re laying precedence for your child to fix their relationships when their actions tempt to break them.
5. KNOW WHEN IT IS ABOUT YOU.
Sometimes, it is not your child who is responsible when you lose your temper, it is the circumstances around you that cloud your judgments.
Now that you’ve committed to being more conscious of your actions, it is important to recognize when you need to review your situation.
Do you need some rest after a long day of stressful work? Do you need to speak with your spouse concerning the next family decision that has been disturbing you? Or is this a manifestation of pent-up anger from your childhood?
Giving yourself a chance to accept the situations triggering your irritability will help you get a better hold of yourself and become a better parent to your children.
6. TEACH THE LESSON LATER.
When we yell, one of the expected results is that our children should learn the desired lesson and not repeat the misbehaviours another time.
But this is not what happens.
The facial expression that accompanies yelling is one of terror; communicating fear. So, when you yell:
※ your child does not learn anything except that you are a villain who is screaming at the top of his voice.
※ your child goes into a fight-or-flight mode. They either become defensive and try to resist your control even more or it could lead to emotional pains for your child.
When you are agitated, you cannot adequately pass any message across, except a loud noise that has no effect. Wait until you are calm — until your child is ready to receive the lesson — before you teach it.
7. ALWAYS PRIORITIZE CONNECTION.
One of the most important ingredients in establishing compliance from your children is a good relationship with them. You love your child, no doubt, and a constant reminder that she’s still your beloved child will keep you in check.
When you find yourself yelling at your child often, remind yourself that it is an indication that there is something to work on in your relationship and not a behavioural problem.
Will it be difficult to stop yelling? YES!
It doesn’t happen overnight. It requires consistent, daily efforts. You might find yourself sometimes losing it again and again that it appears that not yelling is impossible, but we promise you that THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.
If you keep working on it, you’ll realize someday that you do not remember the last time you yelled at your child.
Remember that you set the tone and that your children are watching. If you walk around the home always seething with anger, yelling at every opportunity you get, you are setting the pace for a household that is always tensed. If, on the other hand, you become more intentional on this journey and consciously work on your emotions, your child will see this too, and follow your lead.
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