Report Cards Are Out: Why You Must Avoid FHCLD and 7 Recommended Ways To React To Your Child’s Bad Results
"Is this your result? You brought this home for me, how could you? You are not from the first three! Did you fail three subjects? Look at your sister's result, it is excellent! The only thing you know how to do better is play! You are such a failure. I am going to deal with you."
Within seconds you've said those words to your child who just showed you his report card without thinking of the consequences.
Those statements are quick but the effects are deep. And these are whys;
Fear. Hatred. Comparison. Low self-esteem. Disconnection- FHCLD.
FHCLD occurred during the process of commenting/reacting to your child's result. And anyone who wants to raise happy, loving and successful children should be aware that they are all detrimental to successful parenting.
Fear:
When you react to your child this way, you create fear. A kind of fear that will always make him dread the day of vacation. This day that should be a day of joy, a day of break and freedom from the accumulated stress in school will turn to a day of sadness, fear, and anxiety of "what daddy will say". Your child will never look forward to sharing their results with you. They know what to expect.
Hatred:
This kind of reaction builds up hatred in the child. Your words are going to cause him sadness, and he is going to blame them on someone. This could be you, himself or some other person. Possibly his sister you compared him with or that innocent classmate of his that always tops his class. This is not safe for anyone.
Comparison:
Comparison is the last thing one should ever think of in commenting on results. Most parents do this a lot. However, it's not healthy for either of the parties; The parents or the child. The earlier we realise that no children are the same, the better it's going to be for us. When you compare a child with another, you are demanding for the impossible. No, Abdullaah can not be like his sister, Maryam. They can't get the same scores. They can't have the same behaviours. They can't be the same. This is the reality.
When you keep comparing them, you will keep getting the same results, until you start treating each child differently.
Also, when you compare a child with others, they begin to dislike these people and it affects the relationships among them. And finally, it leads to the fourth thing - Low Self-esteem
Low Self-esteem:
With those statements, you've made your child feel worthless. He will start suffering from low self-esteem. *"Daddy doesn't like me. I am not smart like Maryam. Why am I so dull? I am a failure"* Your words will not help them make efforts next time like you think they should. Rather, it has created an identity for them and a picture of whom they are in their head.
Disconnection:
Situations like this make parents lose connection with their children. Your child feels detached from you at that moment. Forget about whatever bond you had earlier. They have a feeling you don't, and you won't understand them even when they try to explain. You've placed your verdict after all.
While correcting or advising children, one of the things to watch out for is *correction without losing connection*
The way you react to your children's results is very important in determining whether you want to help them improve or even get worse in their grades or their being as a whole.
How should you react to your child's results?
Be calm:
Whenever you are about to check your child's result, be calm and be prepared. Whether the results are good or bad, be mentally prepared. That way, you will be able to deal with the situation. If the result is good, beautiful! If it's not as you have imagined, fine. Being prepared will allow you to deal with your emotions and prevent you from reacting wrongly.
Understand that it is qadar:
When we see every occurrence that happens to us as the will of Allah, our hearts find peace and become contented. See the results as the will of Allah, and make your child understands the same. By doing that, you are teaching your child about Allah, about him having the power to make him pass or fail his exams.
We have to understand that whatever result the child came with could not have been different, even he had done things in a different way. This is the understanding of predestination.
Allah says in Suarh Aal-imran, about a people who were saying, ‘if they had done this, they would not have been killed’, he says: ‘Tell them, that if you had been in your homes, those whom death was written for would have by themselves gone to their place of death’
Understanding that once an occurrence happens, it could not have happened in another way, reduces the anger you nurse towards the child. However, from the teachings of the prophet also is that we must look at the incident and identify things that should be done better the next time.
Look beyond grades:
When checking the results, your aim shouldn't just be about discovering the position your child has or the number of A's he has, depending on the grading system. Pay attention to every piece of information on the results. When you do this, there's a tendency that you notice more positive things and not just the result.
For instance, you should pay attention to all of the subjects and the marks he has in them. Perhaps, he's passed all of his science subjects but failed English and arts. Don't make the Subjects he failed the only object of concern. Think about his excellence in science, his interest in them and what made him excel at them. Look at ways to make him find interest in the other subjects as well.
Look at the behaviour report. If the report says he is of good conduct, you should be happy about this. Yes, his results are poor, but he's not a bad kid. You should be thankful!
Check the one that talks about his other abilities; sports, arts, vocational skills and others. They matter as well.
Praise the child:
Weird?
No, it isn't! You need to praise the child even if the results didn't meet your expectations. No child decides to fail on purpose. He has put in efforts(even if it's little) to study and write the exams. Appreciate those little efforts. Let him know you understand him. You could say, " Oh, wow! You've exerted so much effort into studying science, but it turned out this way. Sorry, sweetheart. The next one will be better, In shaa Allaah. We will find a way to fix that"
Do not compare:
Comparing a child to another is far from a solution to bad results. It won't help the child become better, it may rather worsen the situation.
Restrain all urge to compare your child. Yes, we know you are so excited about Maryam passing all her subjects, All in A's. But remember Abdullah is not Maryam.
While trying to compare, think about the positive things Abdullah does too. Think about the amazing part of him. The virtues, that perhaps Maryam does not even possess.
Don't lose your child over bad results!
Encourage the child:
Don't make your child sad and depressed due to your reactions. You should rather encourage and motivate him to do better. You should make him understand that there are ups and downs in life. And perhaps, as a child, this could be one of those downs.
Find ways to help the child:
Shouting, lashing and punishing a child will not help the child have better results. You need to acknowledge that the results are what they are and cannot be changed but can be made better. You can help the child by ;
Praising the child for the parts they did well
Praise their efforts even when little
Listen to the child and try to identify what the problem is together.
Let them know they can always do better
Work together on subjects they need help on
Cooperate with the school on how to help your child
Create a better learning environment.
Du'a:
Finally, make du'a for your child. It is very essential. If you want your child to be better than they are, pray to Allaah. Du'a coupled with your efforts will make the child become better, bi idhnillaah.
Always remember, success is beyond grades!
©NAAS Educators
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