‘Ustadh, Promise Me You Will Not Get Angry’
"It is the expression I have heard most often from kids who want to confide in me," One of the teachers on our team said.
He further said, "This showed to me that one of the major things that make our kids/students feel free to confide in us is the assurance that their mistakes/fears are not going to make us mad at them."
In our last post, we mentioned that even after years of listening to children, showing them affection, and spending a lot of time discussing trivial matters to prove our interest in them, there is one last fear children have which may stop them from ever talking to us about the important affairs or to ask us for help.
That is their fear that we would get angry when they tell us they are addicted to pornography; that we would get angry when they tell us they listen to music.
Should we always smile and hug our children when they tell us about the bad things they struggle with? Or are there times when we should react with harshness and disappointment?
There is a good example for us in Abdullah Ibn Abbaas as narrated in these two stories.
Story 1
Sa'd bin 'Ubaidah narrated:
A man came to Ibn Abbas and asked: "Who kills a believer, is there repentance for him?"
Ibn Abbas said: "No, but the Fire".
(Musonnaf Ibn Abi Shaybah)
Story 2
‘Ata ibn Yasar reports that a man once came to ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Abbas aand said, “I proposed to a woman and she refused to marry me. Another man proposed to her and she agreed to marry him. I became jealous so I killed her, is there any way for me to repent?’ ibn ‘Abbas asked him if his mother was alive. When he replied in the negative, ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Abbas (radiyallahu ‘anhuma) said to him, ‘Repent to Allah sincerely and try to draw near him as much as possible [by obeying him].
(Al Adabul Mufrad, Hadith: 4)
The men in both stories came to Ibn Abbaas, the revered and knowledgeable companion of the Prophet, and both men asked about the same affair: What happens when you kill unjustly?
Ibn Abbaas replied the first man with harshness, but he replied the second man with calmness and gave him hope. The lesson?
The first man came to Ibn Abbaas while he had not committed the action, and, as reported in the full version of the hadith, Ibn Abbaas saw a readiness in him to commit murder, so he gave a harsh reply to deter him.
The second man had committed murder already, and he then approached Ibn Abbaas to seek a solution, and so Ibn Abbas reacted by giving him hope; he did not start by talking about his disappointment or showing his anger that a taabi'i could commit such sin! May Allah be pleased with Ibn Abbaas.
You may be an Ustadh, your family may be revered, your children may listen to music, they may watch pornography, they may even find it hard to pray regularly, but they have not murdered anyone, and they are not from the taabi'iin! So, let's calm down a little in showing our disappointment when they have approached us.
This is Ibn Abbaas listening to the one who had murdered and reacting with calmness and giving him hope.
We can learn from Ibn Abbaas, that the way to react to remorseful children who have approached us with their struggles, is to listen to them carefully, give them hope, give them a practical guide to overcome their struggles, and help them actualize the struggles.
As a parent, teacher, or elder sibling, one habit we must learn if we want to solve the problems in our household, schools or communities is to react calmly and helpfully whenever these kids approach us with their struggles: no matter how grievous the sin they have committed seem to be.
Of course, there are times to be a little harsh in our approach: there are times to show absolute displeasure and disappointment, but that time is not when they have approached us, never!
A child that approaches you about pornography already knows you would be disappointed and hurt; telling them again would only hurt and guilt-trip them, and this will cause them to hide their struggles from you next time.
Sometimes we may need to be quite harsh when we find them engaging in bad acts (this has guidelines), but we should not react in this harsh manner when they have approached us for solutions; the effect of maintaining this balance is that whenever they struggle with a bad act, they would confide in us before it becomes an addiction because they fear that we might be harsh and angry if we find out on our own.
For every child that became addicted to bad acts, there was a time he wanted help and wanted to stop, so we must make them feel comfortable to approach us for solutions during this period before it becomes an addiction; and one of the best ways to do this is to be very soft and helpful when they approach us, but to be a little harsh when they do not approach us while they have their struggles.
But remember, if you do not have the habits we emphasized in this article, it would be very difficult for the kids to even approach you at all with their struggles.
In our next post, we will discuss some habits you can form to make your children naturally inclined towards telling you about their whole lives.
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